Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I just moved back to a town I used to live in a long time ago. I was pretty popular then. Needles to say, things have changed. Now that I’m a little older, I can’t seem to get into the right clubs, I can’t seem to score the right women, and I feel like I’m having a little meltdown. I’ve got my own MySPace page going, and I’ve done a few things on YouTube to let folks know that , you know ,I’m back…but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m in my thirties…is it too late?
Signed,
Dirty Thirty
Dear D.T.
I don’t think there is anything more disturbing to me than a man over thirty who is constantly updating his my-space page. By this point in your life buddy, you should have quenched you’re need for good friends and you should have enough going for you that casual sex is not something you need to solicit online. Either you’re hot or you’re not, and all the MySpace Bling in the world ain’t changing that. I get the feeling you may be in what I call The Twilight of Summers Eve. You’re drifting in a sea of bottled blond, over the hill douche bags that think if they take a smooth chest and a nipple ring, throw in a tribal tattoo, BAM they’ve got the recipe for HOT. I got news for you pal, you don’t. If you’re ugly, you’re going to have to play the aloof guy to get any play. Go to a bar, sit in a corner, and try to look like a deep thinker. Don’t open your cake hole. Just let people wonder about you. Bring a notebook, and write something in it, or draw pictures of male members in it for all I care. Just be alone, and make people wonder why you like to be along. Hopefully they won’t connect the dots and realize its cause you’re ugly.
Dear Mr. Macon out,
I’m freshly divorced and looking to play the field. What I’m looking for are some signs. Something to tell me that the guy is not a freak you know? There are a lot of them out there. Any Tips?
I won’t tell you to see how he treats his mother because my mother was as mean as a wolverine high on bleach and bible quotes. I try to treat her with indifference, but it’s hard cause she hits me all the time. I also won’t tell you to see how he treats animals, because animals were made for one reason, to eat. I will tell you that if he wears glasses, bracelets (even those wide leather ones), or sandals, stay away. He thinks he has fashion sense, and I think we all know what that means by now. If he pretends to like Art, The Producers, or Tori Amos he’s a liar. If he has a good job, he’s obsessed with it, and if he loves the outdoors that means he doesn’t watch romantic comedies, which will lead to you feeling like he doesn’t pay you enough attention. Also on that note, make sure he’s a loner. You don’t want to have to compete with any friends. Other than that, think about one thing before you join yourself at the hip with anyone. Genetics.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Bad Ass Christmas Guide
As most of you know, one of my greatest friends is the Publisher of this Magazine, Brad Evans. He gave me a shot when I was just a regular ole asshole, getting by on ramen noodles and subpar poontang, and look at me now. I bring him up because the best Christmas gift I’ve ever seen given was to him from his lovely, and mean as a bobcat, wife. She gave him a black leather belt with the words Brad Mutha Fu**a engraved into it. To this day she’s the only woman who I’d consider going to see a Rene Zellweger Movie with. It’s inspired me to come up with a guide to a Bad Ass Christmas every year since.
1. Bad Ass Movie Pack-, I start with Cool As Ice starring, you guessed it, Vanilla Ice. The Tagline reads: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there is only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” Then add Commando, Battlefield Earth (any movie with a breathing apparatus drags me in), Deathwish, Surviving the Game, and Colors and VOILA!….movies to keep your wife in another room for a week.
2. Autographs- Not a lot of people think about these as good gifts, and if you’re talking Oprah Winfrey or Jude Law then you may as well be taking a crap in a Santa’s Bag. I’m talking about the ones nobody thinks about anymore. Art Malik, a great villan Sean Connery’s take on James Bone in The Living Daylights, is only 99 cents, which is cheaper than loveable lesse Anne Heche which goes for $19.99 on ebay (women would buy placenta pudding if Ellen said it tasted good) The whole Leave It To Beaver Cast is only $40 and you can get the whole A-Team for $60, any solid man would love it.
3. For the “Small Ones” –Teddy Bears- All the little ones in my life get one of these for Christmas, I usually go with Toxic Teddies, Bi-Polar Bears, Smackie Bears, and bears dressed up like your favorite action heroes. Can you say Teddy Hellraiser?
4. Lablemakers- Any kind will do. I label even the most obvious things. Cordless Drills are labeled Cordless Drills, The toilet is labeled Bobcat Disposal. They are incredibly fun.
5. For the BFF- I’ve bought them for wedding gifts as well, but sledgehammers make great hoo-ah gifts. Chainsaws if you’ve got the money but anything over a five pound is great.
1. Bad Ass Movie Pack-, I start with Cool As Ice starring, you guessed it, Vanilla Ice. The Tagline reads: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there is only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” Then add Commando, Battlefield Earth (any movie with a breathing apparatus drags me in), Deathwish, Surviving the Game, and Colors and VOILA!….movies to keep your wife in another room for a week.
2. Autographs- Not a lot of people think about these as good gifts, and if you’re talking Oprah Winfrey or Jude Law then you may as well be taking a crap in a Santa’s Bag. I’m talking about the ones nobody thinks about anymore. Art Malik, a great villan Sean Connery’s take on James Bone in The Living Daylights, is only 99 cents, which is cheaper than loveable lesse Anne Heche which goes for $19.99 on ebay (women would buy placenta pudding if Ellen said it tasted good) The whole Leave It To Beaver Cast is only $40 and you can get the whole A-Team for $60, any solid man would love it.
3. For the “Small Ones” –Teddy Bears- All the little ones in my life get one of these for Christmas, I usually go with Toxic Teddies, Bi-Polar Bears, Smackie Bears, and bears dressed up like your favorite action heroes. Can you say Teddy Hellraiser?
4. Lablemakers- Any kind will do. I label even the most obvious things. Cordless Drills are labeled Cordless Drills, The toilet is labeled Bobcat Disposal. They are incredibly fun.
5. For the BFF- I’ve bought them for wedding gifts as well, but sledgehammers make great hoo-ah gifts. Chainsaws if you’ve got the money but anything over a five pound is great.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
THE GAY TAPES
We’ve all done it. Back in the day, there wasn’t better way to steal a girl’s heart than to drop a live recording of Daryll Hall singing Sara Smile (The only Song where that creepy bass player shuts his trap) alongside some 69 Boys (if you know what I mean), Eddie Rabbit (You and I with Crystal Gayle, 1982), and Axl Rose (The B Side from Use Your Illusion 1, what can I say I got lazy), title it From Me 2 U and stick it in her locker. Are things not going well, A good compilation of Air Supply is like the King James Version of Mix Tapes. Want something to go along with your hot oil massage session? C + C Music Factory will never let you down, especially combined with a little Warrant and a little known Version of Bret “the Hitman” Hart’s version of Never Been a Right Time To Say Goodbye.
I’ve even played jokes on my guy friends by making what I’ve dubbed “Gay Tapes”, and placing them in their cars, cd cases or, in today’s world, their MP3 players. I’ve done it a hundred times. A friend finds a CD in on his seat titled “I-C-U” . His first reaction is always one of flattery. “Wow” he thinks, “I wonder who did this?” He Pops it in the player, and is on his way.
1. Tainted Love-Soft Cell ( he doesn’t know what to think, but he likes it)
2. Relax –Frankie Goes to Hollywood ( He smiles, she could be Randy)
3. Word Up-Cameo ( I know, we all like this song…this one is about confusion. The dude wore a Codpiece, trust me, it’s gay)
4. West End Girls-Pet Shop Boys (He’s going to be singing along to this one. Imagine him riding in his car using a fake British Accent; Sometimes….. you betta off dead, there’s a gun in your hand and its pointed at your head, you think your mad, but your really unstable, your kicking down chairs and you’re knocking down tables….In a restaurant…..in a western town.)
5. Believe –Cher (He’s so into it by this point he shrugs and just goes with it. This is when the Dash Cam you’ve installed really gets funny)
6. What A Man-Salt and Peppa (Now we’ve got hard evidence and still This song could be from her to him right?)
7. Conga-Gloria Estefan (Everybody…..Gather Round Now…We’re about to bitch out our friend!)
8. I’m Comin Out-Diana Ross (It flashes before his eyes, he hits skip fast, only to find)
9. Shake Your Bon Bon-Ricky Martin (Oh Shit he thinks, it’s too late)
10. Its raining Men –Weather Girls (You Tube, Here we come)
I’ve even played jokes on my guy friends by making what I’ve dubbed “Gay Tapes”, and placing them in their cars, cd cases or, in today’s world, their MP3 players. I’ve done it a hundred times. A friend finds a CD in on his seat titled “I-C-U” . His first reaction is always one of flattery. “Wow” he thinks, “I wonder who did this?” He Pops it in the player, and is on his way.
1. Tainted Love-Soft Cell ( he doesn’t know what to think, but he likes it)
2. Relax –Frankie Goes to Hollywood ( He smiles, she could be Randy)
3. Word Up-Cameo ( I know, we all like this song…this one is about confusion. The dude wore a Codpiece, trust me, it’s gay)
4. West End Girls-Pet Shop Boys (He’s going to be singing along to this one. Imagine him riding in his car using a fake British Accent; Sometimes….. you betta off dead, there’s a gun in your hand and its pointed at your head, you think your mad, but your really unstable, your kicking down chairs and you’re knocking down tables….In a restaurant…..in a western town.)
5. Believe –Cher (He’s so into it by this point he shrugs and just goes with it. This is when the Dash Cam you’ve installed really gets funny)
6. What A Man-Salt and Peppa (Now we’ve got hard evidence and still This song could be from her to him right?)
7. Conga-Gloria Estefan (Everybody…..Gather Round Now…We’re about to bitch out our friend!)
8. I’m Comin Out-Diana Ross (It flashes before his eyes, he hits skip fast, only to find)
9. Shake Your Bon Bon-Ricky Martin (Oh Shit he thinks, it’s too late)
10. Its raining Men –Weather Girls (You Tube, Here we come)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
THE WINGMAN
Dear Mr Macon Out
I have trouble going up and talking to women. It just makes me incredibly nervous. Any pointers?
Signed
Nerve Racked in Newnan
Dear Nerve Racked,
It’s easy. Find a wingman. Now a wingman is usually used to occupy the least attractive girl in a group of girls so that you can upgrade, but it’s totally acceptable to use them to get over your nervousness. The thing is, you have to have the right wingman. Here are some traits to look for.
He needs to be your equal. This means he doesn’t need to have a really cool job, make more money than you, or a lot better looking. It’s acceptable for him to have more skills with the lady folk, because if he’s a good wingman, he’ll understand his mission and be able to use those skills to make you look better.
2. He keeps you Tight- A little boogie? He’s got it. Traces of BBQ sauce on your shirt? He’s carrying club soda. He’s basically your personal assistant for the evening making sure that everything you do is done in the proper manner.
3. He knows you well. You don’t have to talk to let him know what to do. He can tell when you’re fumbling the ball, and he’s there for the lateral. He knows when to jump in; he knows when to back off.
4. He prevents interference- This is one of the most important traits of a good wingman, in my opinion. This means he engages, at close range, anyone who gets in the way of your target. It means picking fights with jocks, dancing with the cock-blocking fat chicks, and striking up conversation with any available female in the pack who might entice your girl to go on with it.
5. He can go Kamikaze on that ass. A good wingman has no fear. He’ll crash right into a table full of hot chicks, with no fear of being shot down. If he lands safely, he’ll call you right over into the herd. Let the games begin.
6. He’s good at recon- He finds out all the info on the girl you’re after. He goes into deep cover mode to find it out, talking with co-workers, friends, and most importantly, her ex-lovers.
7. He keeps you Going- He’s your Erk Russell. Your Vice Dooley. He Keeps You motivated giving you pep talks when you’re down and grabbing you by the facemask when you’re flubbing up. While you focus on your job, he surveys the entire game and looks tells you how to navigate. He’ll give you a post game analysis, whether you win or lose, and over time, make you a better player.
I have trouble going up and talking to women. It just makes me incredibly nervous. Any pointers?
Signed
Nerve Racked in Newnan
Dear Nerve Racked,
It’s easy. Find a wingman. Now a wingman is usually used to occupy the least attractive girl in a group of girls so that you can upgrade, but it’s totally acceptable to use them to get over your nervousness. The thing is, you have to have the right wingman. Here are some traits to look for.
He needs to be your equal. This means he doesn’t need to have a really cool job, make more money than you, or a lot better looking. It’s acceptable for him to have more skills with the lady folk, because if he’s a good wingman, he’ll understand his mission and be able to use those skills to make you look better.
2. He keeps you Tight- A little boogie? He’s got it. Traces of BBQ sauce on your shirt? He’s carrying club soda. He’s basically your personal assistant for the evening making sure that everything you do is done in the proper manner.
3. He knows you well. You don’t have to talk to let him know what to do. He can tell when you’re fumbling the ball, and he’s there for the lateral. He knows when to jump in; he knows when to back off.
4. He prevents interference- This is one of the most important traits of a good wingman, in my opinion. This means he engages, at close range, anyone who gets in the way of your target. It means picking fights with jocks, dancing with the cock-blocking fat chicks, and striking up conversation with any available female in the pack who might entice your girl to go on with it.
5. He can go Kamikaze on that ass. A good wingman has no fear. He’ll crash right into a table full of hot chicks, with no fear of being shot down. If he lands safely, he’ll call you right over into the herd. Let the games begin.
6. He’s good at recon- He finds out all the info on the girl you’re after. He goes into deep cover mode to find it out, talking with co-workers, friends, and most importantly, her ex-lovers.
7. He keeps you Going- He’s your Erk Russell. Your Vice Dooley. He Keeps You motivated giving you pep talks when you’re down and grabbing you by the facemask when you’re flubbing up. While you focus on your job, he surveys the entire game and looks tells you how to navigate. He’ll give you a post game analysis, whether you win or lose, and over time, make you a better player.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
My Vegas Inspired Column
Sorry I can't talk about Vegas.
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I’m getting married in a few months, and I’ve had this bug that makes me want to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. I’ve begun to wonder if it just a phase I’m going through due to my impending marriage, or if I’ve really begun to find my groove. By the way, I’m 35 years of age.
Signed,
Young and in the way
Dear YAITW
If you’re thirty-five, your groove took a train to Desperateville a long time ago, bud. I hate to tell you. Sure, no matter how old you are, it’s normal to want to “drop it like it’s hot” one last time before you lock your penis up for good. But there really is no such thing as “getting it out of your system”. If something feels good, it’s the nature of man to want more of it. The only one’s who will say different are those who have been married long enough to give up, or those who’ve dedicated themselves to a God too uptight for my doggystyle. How can you tell if this marriage is going to work? Man, if there is any doubt anywhere in that little head of yours, move on brother. No matter what Richard Gere says, this is your only shot, so get it right.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
I just spent a weekend in Vegas, drank God knows how much, and rarely even stopped to eat. By the time I got home, I’d lost 5 pounds, and felt great. Should I just try and live on beer alone?
Signed,
Bleeding from my face
Dear Bleeding,
There have been many a great man that have lived off of beer, whiskey cigarettes, and the occasional slab of red meat. John Wayne is rumored to have never eaten more than a hand size piece of elk flesh at one sitting. Want to know why Charles Bronson doesn’t even think Chuck Norris is a man? Try putting gunpowder in your peppermill. Though still a great man, Redd Foxx lived off champipple and crackers. It can be done, and what better place to find that out than Las Vegas, that great flashing dohickee in the desert. The only time I went to Vegas, I ended up turning into a lizard, scurrying up about 300 strippers legs at the Spearmint Rhino, and falling in love with a black-jack dealer named Rob, who verbally abused me without pause, but hey we all experiment, right? So see where this goes, and let me know when you get there. Hopefully it won’t be in a ditch next to Christian Slater.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
Why can’t my wife be more like my close male friends?
Signed, Gutter Trash
A better question might for you might be: Why can’t I marry my close male friends? Fag.
Women don’t have to be like our close male friends. They have vaginas. But let’s consider what being a close friend really means. In order to be a real close buddy with someone I’d say three basic things have to happen.
#1. You’ve got to go through some bad shit together. This could include fights, drugs, money laundering, or about 100 good old-fashioned drunks.
#2. You have to go to bat for each other. This could include being a top-notch wingman on a date, taking up for one another when some cock-a-doodle douche is talking crapola about your buddy even when they aren’t around. It lets you know how much you love your buddy.
# 3. Never leave a man behind—Hoo-Ah! This has to be proven several times. You have to sacrifice what you want in order that your buddy, no matter how lame, doesn’t suffer so that you can have fun. It’s the law… I’m sorry.
These are all things that women just don’t do. This is why we have to compensate for our marriages by loving games that we will never again play (college football) and killing animals that we’ll never eat. The long lost happy place of male companionship will live forever in empty space. I think Gary Busey said that.
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I’m getting married in a few months, and I’ve had this bug that makes me want to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. I’ve begun to wonder if it just a phase I’m going through due to my impending marriage, or if I’ve really begun to find my groove. By the way, I’m 35 years of age.
Signed,
Young and in the way
Dear YAITW
If you’re thirty-five, your groove took a train to Desperateville a long time ago, bud. I hate to tell you. Sure, no matter how old you are, it’s normal to want to “drop it like it’s hot” one last time before you lock your penis up for good. But there really is no such thing as “getting it out of your system”. If something feels good, it’s the nature of man to want more of it. The only one’s who will say different are those who have been married long enough to give up, or those who’ve dedicated themselves to a God too uptight for my doggystyle. How can you tell if this marriage is going to work? Man, if there is any doubt anywhere in that little head of yours, move on brother. No matter what Richard Gere says, this is your only shot, so get it right.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
I just spent a weekend in Vegas, drank God knows how much, and rarely even stopped to eat. By the time I got home, I’d lost 5 pounds, and felt great. Should I just try and live on beer alone?
Signed,
Bleeding from my face
Dear Bleeding,
There have been many a great man that have lived off of beer, whiskey cigarettes, and the occasional slab of red meat. John Wayne is rumored to have never eaten more than a hand size piece of elk flesh at one sitting. Want to know why Charles Bronson doesn’t even think Chuck Norris is a man? Try putting gunpowder in your peppermill. Though still a great man, Redd Foxx lived off champipple and crackers. It can be done, and what better place to find that out than Las Vegas, that great flashing dohickee in the desert. The only time I went to Vegas, I ended up turning into a lizard, scurrying up about 300 strippers legs at the Spearmint Rhino, and falling in love with a black-jack dealer named Rob, who verbally abused me without pause, but hey we all experiment, right? So see where this goes, and let me know when you get there. Hopefully it won’t be in a ditch next to Christian Slater.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
Why can’t my wife be more like my close male friends?
Signed, Gutter Trash
A better question might for you might be: Why can’t I marry my close male friends? Fag.
Women don’t have to be like our close male friends. They have vaginas. But let’s consider what being a close friend really means. In order to be a real close buddy with someone I’d say three basic things have to happen.
#1. You’ve got to go through some bad shit together. This could include fights, drugs, money laundering, or about 100 good old-fashioned drunks.
#2. You have to go to bat for each other. This could include being a top-notch wingman on a date, taking up for one another when some cock-a-doodle douche is talking crapola about your buddy even when they aren’t around. It lets you know how much you love your buddy.
# 3. Never leave a man behind—Hoo-Ah! This has to be proven several times. You have to sacrifice what you want in order that your buddy, no matter how lame, doesn’t suffer so that you can have fun. It’s the law… I’m sorry.
These are all things that women just don’t do. This is why we have to compensate for our marriages by loving games that we will never again play (college football) and killing animals that we’ll never eat. The long lost happy place of male companionship will live forever in empty space. I think Gary Busey said that.
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