Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I just moved back to a town I used to live in a long time ago. I was pretty popular then. Needles to say, things have changed. Now that I’m a little older, I can’t seem to get into the right clubs, I can’t seem to score the right women, and I feel like I’m having a little meltdown. I’ve got my own MySPace page going, and I’ve done a few things on YouTube to let folks know that , you know ,I’m back…but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m in my thirties…is it too late?
Signed,
Dirty Thirty
Dear D.T.
I don’t think there is anything more disturbing to me than a man over thirty who is constantly updating his my-space page. By this point in your life buddy, you should have quenched you’re need for good friends and you should have enough going for you that casual sex is not something you need to solicit online. Either you’re hot or you’re not, and all the MySpace Bling in the world ain’t changing that. I get the feeling you may be in what I call The Twilight of Summers Eve. You’re drifting in a sea of bottled blond, over the hill douche bags that think if they take a smooth chest and a nipple ring, throw in a tribal tattoo, BAM they’ve got the recipe for HOT. I got news for you pal, you don’t. If you’re ugly, you’re going to have to play the aloof guy to get any play. Go to a bar, sit in a corner, and try to look like a deep thinker. Don’t open your cake hole. Just let people wonder about you. Bring a notebook, and write something in it, or draw pictures of male members in it for all I care. Just be alone, and make people wonder why you like to be along. Hopefully they won’t connect the dots and realize its cause you’re ugly.
Dear Mr. Macon out,
I’m freshly divorced and looking to play the field. What I’m looking for are some signs. Something to tell me that the guy is not a freak you know? There are a lot of them out there. Any Tips?
I won’t tell you to see how he treats his mother because my mother was as mean as a wolverine high on bleach and bible quotes. I try to treat her with indifference, but it’s hard cause she hits me all the time. I also won’t tell you to see how he treats animals, because animals were made for one reason, to eat. I will tell you that if he wears glasses, bracelets (even those wide leather ones), or sandals, stay away. He thinks he has fashion sense, and I think we all know what that means by now. If he pretends to like Art, The Producers, or Tori Amos he’s a liar. If he has a good job, he’s obsessed with it, and if he loves the outdoors that means he doesn’t watch romantic comedies, which will lead to you feeling like he doesn’t pay you enough attention. Also on that note, make sure he’s a loner. You don’t want to have to compete with any friends. Other than that, think about one thing before you join yourself at the hip with anyone. Genetics.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?
Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss
Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love
Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!
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