Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?

Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss

Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?


Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love

Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!