PLaying the Field...With Signs

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I just moved back to a town I used to live in a long time ago. I was pretty popular then. Needles to say, things have changed. Now that I’m a little older, I can’t seem to get into the right clubs, I can’t seem to score the right women, and I feel like I’m having a little meltdown. I’ve got my own MySPace page going, and I’ve done a few things on YouTube to let folks know that , you know ,I’m back…but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m in my thirties…is it too late?

Signed,

Dirty Thirty

Dear D.T.

I don’t think there is anything more disturbing to me than a man over thirty who is constantly updating his my-space page. By this point in your life buddy, you should have quenched you’re need for good friends and you should have enough going for you that casual sex is not something you need to solicit online. Either you’re hot or you’re not, and all the MySpace Bling in the world ain’t changing that. I get the feeling you may be in what I call The Twilight of Summers Eve. You’re drifting in a sea of bottled blond, over the hill douche bags that think if they take a smooth chest and a nipple ring, throw in a tribal tattoo, BAM they’ve got the recipe for HOT. I got news for you pal, you don’t. If you’re ugly, you’re going to have to play the aloof guy to get any play. Go to a bar, sit in a corner, and try to look like a deep thinker. Don’t open your cake hole. Just let people wonder about you. Bring a notebook, and write something in it, or draw pictures of male members in it for all I care. Just be alone, and make people wonder why you like to be along. Hopefully they won’t connect the dots and realize its cause you’re ugly.

Dear Mr. Macon out,

I’m freshly divorced and looking to play the field. What I’m looking for are some signs. Something to tell me that the guy is not a freak you know? There are a lot of them out there. Any Tips?

I won’t tell you to see how he treats his mother because my mother was as mean as a wolverine high on bleach and bible quotes. I try to treat her with indifference, but it’s hard cause she hits me all the time. I also won’t tell you to see how he treats animals, because animals were made for one reason, to eat. I will tell you that if he wears glasses, bracelets (even those wide leather ones), or sandals, stay away. He thinks he has fashion sense, and I think we all know what that means by now. If he pretends to like Art, The Producers, or Tori Amos he’s a liar. If he has a good job, he’s obsessed with it, and if he loves the outdoors that means he doesn’t watch romantic comedies, which will lead to you feeling like he doesn’t pay you enough attention. Also on that note, make sure he’s a loner. You don’t want to have to compete with any friends. Other than that, think about one thing before you join yourself at the hip with anyone. Genetics.