Bad Ass Christmas Guide

As most of you know, one of my greatest friends is the Publisher of this Magazine, Brad Evans. He gave me a shot when I was just a regular ole asshole, getting by on ramen noodles and subpar poontang, and look at me now. I bring him up because the best Christmas gift I’ve ever seen given was to him from his lovely, and mean as a bobcat, wife. She gave him a black leather belt with the words Brad Mutha Fu**a engraved into it. To this day she’s the only woman who I’d consider going to see a Rene Zellweger Movie with. It’s inspired me to come up with a guide to a Bad Ass Christmas every year since.

1. Bad Ass Movie Pack-, I start with Cool As Ice starring, you guessed it, Vanilla Ice. The Tagline reads: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there is only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” Then add Commando, Battlefield Earth (any movie with a breathing apparatus drags me in), Deathwish, Surviving the Game, and Colors and VOILA!….movies to keep your wife in another room for a week.
2. Autographs- Not a lot of people think about these as good gifts, and if you’re talking Oprah Winfrey or Jude Law then you may as well be taking a crap in a Santa’s Bag. I’m talking about the ones nobody thinks about anymore. Art Malik, a great villan Sean Connery’s take on James Bone in The Living Daylights, is only 99 cents, which is cheaper than loveable lesse Anne Heche which goes for $19.99 on ebay (women would buy placenta pudding if Ellen said it tasted good) The whole Leave It To Beaver Cast is only $40 and you can get the whole A-Team for $60, any solid man would love it.
3. For the “Small Ones” –Teddy Bears- All the little ones in my life get one of these for Christmas, I usually go with Toxic Teddies, Bi-Polar Bears, Smackie Bears, and bears dressed up like your favorite action heroes. Can you say Teddy Hellraiser?
4. Lablemakers- Any kind will do. I label even the most obvious things. Cordless Drills are labeled Cordless Drills, The toilet is labeled Bobcat Disposal. They are incredibly fun.
5. For the BFF- I’ve bought them for wedding gifts as well, but sledgehammers make great hoo-ah gifts. Chainsaws if you’ve got the money but anything over a five pound is great.