As most of you know, one of my greatest friends is the Publisher of this Magazine, Brad Evans. He gave me a shot when I was just a regular ole asshole, getting by on ramen noodles and subpar poontang, and look at me now. I bring him up because the best Christmas gift I’ve ever seen given was to him from his lovely, and mean as a bobcat, wife. She gave him a black leather belt with the words Brad Mutha Fu**a engraved into it. To this day she’s the only woman who I’d consider going to see a Rene Zellweger Movie with. It’s inspired me to come up with a guide to a Bad Ass Christmas every year since.
1. Bad Ass Movie Pack-, I start with Cool As Ice starring, you guessed it, Vanilla Ice. The Tagline reads: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there is only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” Then add Commando, Battlefield Earth (any movie with a breathing apparatus drags me in), Deathwish, Surviving the Game, and Colors and VOILA!….movies to keep your wife in another room for a week.
2. Autographs- Not a lot of people think about these as good gifts, and if you’re talking Oprah Winfrey or Jude Law then you may as well be taking a crap in a Santa’s Bag. I’m talking about the ones nobody thinks about anymore. Art Malik, a great villan Sean Connery’s take on James Bone in The Living Daylights, is only 99 cents, which is cheaper than loveable lesse Anne Heche which goes for $19.99 on ebay (women would buy placenta pudding if Ellen said it tasted good) The whole Leave It To Beaver Cast is only $40 and you can get the whole A-Team for $60, any solid man would love it.
3. For the “Small Ones” –Teddy Bears- All the little ones in my life get one of these for Christmas, I usually go with Toxic Teddies, Bi-Polar Bears, Smackie Bears, and bears dressed up like your favorite action heroes. Can you say Teddy Hellraiser?
4. Lablemakers- Any kind will do. I label even the most obvious things. Cordless Drills are labeled Cordless Drills, The toilet is labeled Bobcat Disposal. They are incredibly fun.
5. For the BFF- I’ve bought them for wedding gifts as well, but sledgehammers make great hoo-ah gifts. Chainsaws if you’ve got the money but anything over a five pound is great.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
THE GAY TAPES
We’ve all done it. Back in the day, there wasn’t better way to steal a girl’s heart than to drop a live recording of Daryll Hall singing Sara Smile (The only Song where that creepy bass player shuts his trap) alongside some 69 Boys (if you know what I mean), Eddie Rabbit (You and I with Crystal Gayle, 1982), and Axl Rose (The B Side from Use Your Illusion 1, what can I say I got lazy), title it From Me 2 U and stick it in her locker. Are things not going well, A good compilation of Air Supply is like the King James Version of Mix Tapes. Want something to go along with your hot oil massage session? C + C Music Factory will never let you down, especially combined with a little Warrant and a little known Version of Bret “the Hitman” Hart’s version of Never Been a Right Time To Say Goodbye.
I’ve even played jokes on my guy friends by making what I’ve dubbed “Gay Tapes”, and placing them in their cars, cd cases or, in today’s world, their MP3 players. I’ve done it a hundred times. A friend finds a CD in on his seat titled “I-C-U” . His first reaction is always one of flattery. “Wow” he thinks, “I wonder who did this?” He Pops it in the player, and is on his way.
1. Tainted Love-Soft Cell ( he doesn’t know what to think, but he likes it)
2. Relax –Frankie Goes to Hollywood ( He smiles, she could be Randy)
3. Word Up-Cameo ( I know, we all like this song…this one is about confusion. The dude wore a Codpiece, trust me, it’s gay)
4. West End Girls-Pet Shop Boys (He’s going to be singing along to this one. Imagine him riding in his car using a fake British Accent; Sometimes….. you betta off dead, there’s a gun in your hand and its pointed at your head, you think your mad, but your really unstable, your kicking down chairs and you’re knocking down tables….In a restaurant…..in a western town.)
5. Believe –Cher (He’s so into it by this point he shrugs and just goes with it. This is when the Dash Cam you’ve installed really gets funny)
6. What A Man-Salt and Peppa (Now we’ve got hard evidence and still This song could be from her to him right?)
7. Conga-Gloria Estefan (Everybody…..Gather Round Now…We’re about to bitch out our friend!)
8. I’m Comin Out-Diana Ross (It flashes before his eyes, he hits skip fast, only to find)
9. Shake Your Bon Bon-Ricky Martin (Oh Shit he thinks, it’s too late)
10. Its raining Men –Weather Girls (You Tube, Here we come)
I’ve even played jokes on my guy friends by making what I’ve dubbed “Gay Tapes”, and placing them in their cars, cd cases or, in today’s world, their MP3 players. I’ve done it a hundred times. A friend finds a CD in on his seat titled “I-C-U” . His first reaction is always one of flattery. “Wow” he thinks, “I wonder who did this?” He Pops it in the player, and is on his way.
1. Tainted Love-Soft Cell ( he doesn’t know what to think, but he likes it)
2. Relax –Frankie Goes to Hollywood ( He smiles, she could be Randy)
3. Word Up-Cameo ( I know, we all like this song…this one is about confusion. The dude wore a Codpiece, trust me, it’s gay)
4. West End Girls-Pet Shop Boys (He’s going to be singing along to this one. Imagine him riding in his car using a fake British Accent; Sometimes….. you betta off dead, there’s a gun in your hand and its pointed at your head, you think your mad, but your really unstable, your kicking down chairs and you’re knocking down tables….In a restaurant…..in a western town.)
5. Believe –Cher (He’s so into it by this point he shrugs and just goes with it. This is when the Dash Cam you’ve installed really gets funny)
6. What A Man-Salt and Peppa (Now we’ve got hard evidence and still This song could be from her to him right?)
7. Conga-Gloria Estefan (Everybody…..Gather Round Now…We’re about to bitch out our friend!)
8. I’m Comin Out-Diana Ross (It flashes before his eyes, he hits skip fast, only to find)
9. Shake Your Bon Bon-Ricky Martin (Oh Shit he thinks, it’s too late)
10. Its raining Men –Weather Girls (You Tube, Here we come)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
THE WINGMAN
Dear Mr Macon Out
I have trouble going up and talking to women. It just makes me incredibly nervous. Any pointers?
Signed
Nerve Racked in Newnan
Dear Nerve Racked,
It’s easy. Find a wingman. Now a wingman is usually used to occupy the least attractive girl in a group of girls so that you can upgrade, but it’s totally acceptable to use them to get over your nervousness. The thing is, you have to have the right wingman. Here are some traits to look for.
He needs to be your equal. This means he doesn’t need to have a really cool job, make more money than you, or a lot better looking. It’s acceptable for him to have more skills with the lady folk, because if he’s a good wingman, he’ll understand his mission and be able to use those skills to make you look better.
2. He keeps you Tight- A little boogie? He’s got it. Traces of BBQ sauce on your shirt? He’s carrying club soda. He’s basically your personal assistant for the evening making sure that everything you do is done in the proper manner.
3. He knows you well. You don’t have to talk to let him know what to do. He can tell when you’re fumbling the ball, and he’s there for the lateral. He knows when to jump in; he knows when to back off.
4. He prevents interference- This is one of the most important traits of a good wingman, in my opinion. This means he engages, at close range, anyone who gets in the way of your target. It means picking fights with jocks, dancing with the cock-blocking fat chicks, and striking up conversation with any available female in the pack who might entice your girl to go on with it.
5. He can go Kamikaze on that ass. A good wingman has no fear. He’ll crash right into a table full of hot chicks, with no fear of being shot down. If he lands safely, he’ll call you right over into the herd. Let the games begin.
6. He’s good at recon- He finds out all the info on the girl you’re after. He goes into deep cover mode to find it out, talking with co-workers, friends, and most importantly, her ex-lovers.
7. He keeps you Going- He’s your Erk Russell. Your Vice Dooley. He Keeps You motivated giving you pep talks when you’re down and grabbing you by the facemask when you’re flubbing up. While you focus on your job, he surveys the entire game and looks tells you how to navigate. He’ll give you a post game analysis, whether you win or lose, and over time, make you a better player.
I have trouble going up and talking to women. It just makes me incredibly nervous. Any pointers?
Signed
Nerve Racked in Newnan
Dear Nerve Racked,
It’s easy. Find a wingman. Now a wingman is usually used to occupy the least attractive girl in a group of girls so that you can upgrade, but it’s totally acceptable to use them to get over your nervousness. The thing is, you have to have the right wingman. Here are some traits to look for.
He needs to be your equal. This means he doesn’t need to have a really cool job, make more money than you, or a lot better looking. It’s acceptable for him to have more skills with the lady folk, because if he’s a good wingman, he’ll understand his mission and be able to use those skills to make you look better.
2. He keeps you Tight- A little boogie? He’s got it. Traces of BBQ sauce on your shirt? He’s carrying club soda. He’s basically your personal assistant for the evening making sure that everything you do is done in the proper manner.
3. He knows you well. You don’t have to talk to let him know what to do. He can tell when you’re fumbling the ball, and he’s there for the lateral. He knows when to jump in; he knows when to back off.
4. He prevents interference- This is one of the most important traits of a good wingman, in my opinion. This means he engages, at close range, anyone who gets in the way of your target. It means picking fights with jocks, dancing with the cock-blocking fat chicks, and striking up conversation with any available female in the pack who might entice your girl to go on with it.
5. He can go Kamikaze on that ass. A good wingman has no fear. He’ll crash right into a table full of hot chicks, with no fear of being shot down. If he lands safely, he’ll call you right over into the herd. Let the games begin.
6. He’s good at recon- He finds out all the info on the girl you’re after. He goes into deep cover mode to find it out, talking with co-workers, friends, and most importantly, her ex-lovers.
7. He keeps you Going- He’s your Erk Russell. Your Vice Dooley. He Keeps You motivated giving you pep talks when you’re down and grabbing you by the facemask when you’re flubbing up. While you focus on your job, he surveys the entire game and looks tells you how to navigate. He’ll give you a post game analysis, whether you win or lose, and over time, make you a better player.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
My Vegas Inspired Column
Sorry I can't talk about Vegas.
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I’m getting married in a few months, and I’ve had this bug that makes me want to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. I’ve begun to wonder if it just a phase I’m going through due to my impending marriage, or if I’ve really begun to find my groove. By the way, I’m 35 years of age.
Signed,
Young and in the way
Dear YAITW
If you’re thirty-five, your groove took a train to Desperateville a long time ago, bud. I hate to tell you. Sure, no matter how old you are, it’s normal to want to “drop it like it’s hot” one last time before you lock your penis up for good. But there really is no such thing as “getting it out of your system”. If something feels good, it’s the nature of man to want more of it. The only one’s who will say different are those who have been married long enough to give up, or those who’ve dedicated themselves to a God too uptight for my doggystyle. How can you tell if this marriage is going to work? Man, if there is any doubt anywhere in that little head of yours, move on brother. No matter what Richard Gere says, this is your only shot, so get it right.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
I just spent a weekend in Vegas, drank God knows how much, and rarely even stopped to eat. By the time I got home, I’d lost 5 pounds, and felt great. Should I just try and live on beer alone?
Signed,
Bleeding from my face
Dear Bleeding,
There have been many a great man that have lived off of beer, whiskey cigarettes, and the occasional slab of red meat. John Wayne is rumored to have never eaten more than a hand size piece of elk flesh at one sitting. Want to know why Charles Bronson doesn’t even think Chuck Norris is a man? Try putting gunpowder in your peppermill. Though still a great man, Redd Foxx lived off champipple and crackers. It can be done, and what better place to find that out than Las Vegas, that great flashing dohickee in the desert. The only time I went to Vegas, I ended up turning into a lizard, scurrying up about 300 strippers legs at the Spearmint Rhino, and falling in love with a black-jack dealer named Rob, who verbally abused me without pause, but hey we all experiment, right? So see where this goes, and let me know when you get there. Hopefully it won’t be in a ditch next to Christian Slater.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
Why can’t my wife be more like my close male friends?
Signed, Gutter Trash
A better question might for you might be: Why can’t I marry my close male friends? Fag.
Women don’t have to be like our close male friends. They have vaginas. But let’s consider what being a close friend really means. In order to be a real close buddy with someone I’d say three basic things have to happen.
#1. You’ve got to go through some bad shit together. This could include fights, drugs, money laundering, or about 100 good old-fashioned drunks.
#2. You have to go to bat for each other. This could include being a top-notch wingman on a date, taking up for one another when some cock-a-doodle douche is talking crapola about your buddy even when they aren’t around. It lets you know how much you love your buddy.
# 3. Never leave a man behind—Hoo-Ah! This has to be proven several times. You have to sacrifice what you want in order that your buddy, no matter how lame, doesn’t suffer so that you can have fun. It’s the law… I’m sorry.
These are all things that women just don’t do. This is why we have to compensate for our marriages by loving games that we will never again play (college football) and killing animals that we’ll never eat. The long lost happy place of male companionship will live forever in empty space. I think Gary Busey said that.
Dear Mr. Macon Out,
I’m getting married in a few months, and I’ve had this bug that makes me want to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. I’ve begun to wonder if it just a phase I’m going through due to my impending marriage, or if I’ve really begun to find my groove. By the way, I’m 35 years of age.
Signed,
Young and in the way
Dear YAITW
If you’re thirty-five, your groove took a train to Desperateville a long time ago, bud. I hate to tell you. Sure, no matter how old you are, it’s normal to want to “drop it like it’s hot” one last time before you lock your penis up for good. But there really is no such thing as “getting it out of your system”. If something feels good, it’s the nature of man to want more of it. The only one’s who will say different are those who have been married long enough to give up, or those who’ve dedicated themselves to a God too uptight for my doggystyle. How can you tell if this marriage is going to work? Man, if there is any doubt anywhere in that little head of yours, move on brother. No matter what Richard Gere says, this is your only shot, so get it right.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
I just spent a weekend in Vegas, drank God knows how much, and rarely even stopped to eat. By the time I got home, I’d lost 5 pounds, and felt great. Should I just try and live on beer alone?
Signed,
Bleeding from my face
Dear Bleeding,
There have been many a great man that have lived off of beer, whiskey cigarettes, and the occasional slab of red meat. John Wayne is rumored to have never eaten more than a hand size piece of elk flesh at one sitting. Want to know why Charles Bronson doesn’t even think Chuck Norris is a man? Try putting gunpowder in your peppermill. Though still a great man, Redd Foxx lived off champipple and crackers. It can be done, and what better place to find that out than Las Vegas, that great flashing dohickee in the desert. The only time I went to Vegas, I ended up turning into a lizard, scurrying up about 300 strippers legs at the Spearmint Rhino, and falling in love with a black-jack dealer named Rob, who verbally abused me without pause, but hey we all experiment, right? So see where this goes, and let me know when you get there. Hopefully it won’t be in a ditch next to Christian Slater.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
Why can’t my wife be more like my close male friends?
Signed, Gutter Trash
A better question might for you might be: Why can’t I marry my close male friends? Fag.
Women don’t have to be like our close male friends. They have vaginas. But let’s consider what being a close friend really means. In order to be a real close buddy with someone I’d say three basic things have to happen.
#1. You’ve got to go through some bad shit together. This could include fights, drugs, money laundering, or about 100 good old-fashioned drunks.
#2. You have to go to bat for each other. This could include being a top-notch wingman on a date, taking up for one another when some cock-a-doodle douche is talking crapola about your buddy even when they aren’t around. It lets you know how much you love your buddy.
# 3. Never leave a man behind—Hoo-Ah! This has to be proven several times. You have to sacrifice what you want in order that your buddy, no matter how lame, doesn’t suffer so that you can have fun. It’s the law… I’m sorry.
These are all things that women just don’t do. This is why we have to compensate for our marriages by loving games that we will never again play (college football) and killing animals that we’ll never eat. The long lost happy place of male companionship will live forever in empty space. I think Gary Busey said that.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Friday I leave For Las Vegas
Tomorrow, I head out to a town that made Christmas lights famous, and made me puke once when I almost had to go see Celine Dion, Las Vegas. I'm going with several dudes from Macon and we're celebrating a friend's upcoming marriage. Part of me wants to just sit in the desert and eat Peyote, but we've got a Cabana at Pure so what can a man do? I'll let you know how it goes..
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
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