The Perfect Man

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I want to become the Perfect Man. Can you help me?

I get a bunch of things from my fans. I have a mason jar full of grasshopper hearts, and an adrenal gland chewed on by Johnny Depp. I get people’s love letters from all over the country. One guy sent me his entire collection of tissue box covers, which can also be used as helmets for people with really small heads. I also have some really small heads. My furniture is covered in torn wedding gowns, and embroidered by people who just want to be close to me. It’s hard out here for a pimp, or as Gladys Knight would say, it’s hard out here for a Pip. Luckily among my things, I stumbled across a list someone sent me of some things every perfect guy should know. I’ll respond to each one below.

1. Know how to make her smile, even when you’re down?

Look, there is a reason that “Friends” got cancelled, because it was a show about stupid idiots. We don’t live in a romantic comedy. If you’re down, then make her feel like it’s her fault. That will make you feel better, then maybe you can make her smile.

2. Play with her hair.

Does she play with your back hair? I didn’t think so.

3. Offer plenty of massages.

Titty Twisters? Yes. Massages? No.

4. Stick up for her, but respect her independence.

Isn’t it always the double standard with women. They want you to rescue them when they can’t rescue themselves, but they don’t ever want to feel like you have them on a leash. Puppies belong on a leash, hyperactive kids belong on a leash. If they can’t take care of themselves, then they belong on a leash too.

5. Remember the little things.

I recently discovered the Alphabet of Manliness. In it author “Maddox” says this about little things. “When she’s sleeping, steal her small things and break them, because jewelry is for puXXies and Asian ladies.”

6. Give her the remote control, even during the game. Any man who will give up the remote, even when he’s not watching the television, deserves his cock-less existence.

7. Come up behind her a put your arms around her.

Another masterful quote from Maddox “Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a Herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else that symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out “I have Herpes.” The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over” … there is no cure,” cue inspirational music “but treatment is available.” Then it cuts to the girl on a beach and some buy runs up and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you’re dating a skank with herpes.”

See what you’re going to have to live up to? Someone saying that they want to be the Perfect man akin to saying, “I’m a little girl, trapped up in an ugly man’s body.” The sooner women realize that we don’t drink martini’s, we’ll never read Pride and Prejudice, much less watch the movie, don’t own driving gloves, and think whispering is stupid, the better off we’ll all be.