Help That Woman of Yours Shed The Pounds

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

My wife has gained weight steadily since we married. Sure, I’ve put on some pounds too but should that really matter? I thought women knew how to take care of themselves. Can you help?

Signed,

Wishin for a brick shithouse

Heh! I know what you mean brother. If I had a nickel for every pound of flesh I’ve tried to yell off a woman I’d be a rich man. And that’s the first step really; make her self conscious about it. When ya’ll are going out to dinner and she’s ready to go say something like “Is that what you’re wearing?” Or if its time for supper make sure and say “Are you really hungry?” Then when she says yes say “Seriously?” Over time, she’ll get the picture, and it will be just in time to take a look at some of my newest dietary products.

1. SpeedySplash Drinking Water- Using the same Hydro-7 purification system as brands like Aquafina, I not only remove most of the toxic elements that some water companies leave in, but I add elements that have never been added to water before, namely Meth. Yep, that’s right; the first bottles of meth infused drinking water are here. We all know how women like to harp on and on about drinking from the sink or the water hose, and we all know that most women get fat over time. I thought, what the hey, let’s put the weight loss drugs in the water! What better weight loss drug than meth? I mean, have you seen those posters? I’ve also filtered the water through plates of solid steel, just because that seems really cool to have steel filtered water.

2. The Ass Scissor- What part of the body does the fat find first? That’s right, the badonkadonk. And while some men like a little back meat in the ass satchel, it could always use a little toning, knowwutimean? There is no better tool for this than the ass scissor. Similar in theory to a stress ball, this tubular contraption is placed between the buttocks, and squeezed tightly until the desired amount of muscle is achieved.

3. Neckfatisserie- The concept of greasy fat pockets that settle around your wife’s gizzard have been contemplated for years. Finally the scientists at my underground lair have found a way to target the special types of fat that congregate near the neck as well as the back of the arms. By spinning, say, a piece of chicken at 40 rpm for less than two minutes over an open flame, you can eliminate the fat on your wife that you hate so much.

There is a lot more where that came from Wishin, but these are three excellent products you can get started with. I tell you what, if you go ahead and order all of this, I’ll throw in the cankle cream free.