Fripples, High Heels, and Ansel Adams

Dear Mr. Macon Out

I’m a fairly successful photographer here in Middle Georgia. I feel like I’m a pretty good catch. Yet, I’m having a hard time finding a girl that I’m compatible with. Someone I can just go crazy on you know? So…Mr. Macon Out, is there a fish in the sea, just for me?
Singed, Takin’ Shots in Macon

Who the fu** are you Cindi Lauper? Nobody is out there “waiting for you” asshole, and there’s no such thing as Unicorns. People always amaze me by the lengths they will go to search for something in their lives. I’ve always said if it doesn’t slap you in your face, or fall in front of your feet, then it sure as hell wasn’t worth fighting for. And don’t let her tell you that’s lazy compadre’, that’s called acting like you’ve got a pair. People like Richard Nelson Bolles, Depak Chopra, and that idiot who wrote the Celestine Prophecy have been making money off “The Search” for years. Take it from me, it goes on forever, and when you finally make it to the end, you find out that the world was seeded by an evil Alien from a planet called Xenu and you can’t do shit about it. You’ll never be able to do anything about it.

Listen if you find yourself alone, and getting older, you just have to consider more options. You take photographs right? So head out to the American Southwest and take some photos of cliffs and shit. Make them all black and white, sell them at craft fairs and hang them at the local Airport. You’ll be rich. Then you’ll have enough women falling at your feet to fill your newly barren soul forever.

Is there a generally accepted system for measuring farts?

Finally, an intelligent question!

While there are groups that have tried without luck to use thermal imaging technology to measure the heat that farts put out, and some scientists have spent part of there awful careers studying the effects cow farts have the environment, I believe the most widely used scale for Fart Measuring would be the “Fripple Scale” so called for Fart Ripples. A man scientist by the name of Maddox came up with the scale that takes several factors like Sphincter Strength, Pressure, Length, and Moisture into account. However, this scale is quite complicated and requires several people to judge the different attributes of the passed wind. I prefer just to use the “Chain Method”. If a fart has a “Chain” hanging from it, then it will linger in a certain space for a long time. A simple way to measure fart density is by timing how long it “sticks” around. Wet ones don’t count.

What do you think of high heels? Is there a certain height they should be? Should women have to wear them at all?

I’ll tell you this. I’ve been stabbed by a high-heel, had them thrown at my head to wake me up, and I once saw a girl in Dublin, Georgia gut and skin an eight point buck with a red Pierre Silber: Super sexy ballet style with 7 1/4 inch stiletto spike heels. (Size 8) . You should have seen the blood. They can open bottles, kick in doors, add a flair of sex appeal to a roundhouse kick, and are great handles if you know what I mean. SO yes, high heels are a necessary part of being a woman, and the higher the better. Sandals are for Floridians, Birkenstocks make me puke, and flats or pumps just sound like a teen mother.