The Stages of A Breakup For Dudes

I just broke up with my girlfriend, we’ve been back and forth for months now, but this time, I think it’s for real. How do I get over this feeling in my stomach? Signed, A dude with a heart that breaks.

Dear, DWAHTB.

The first time you have sex, you’ll forget about it. If it comes back later, just have more sex. The more you have, the less she’ll mean. If you’re ugly, just stay away from the adult contemporary stations for a while. You’re just going to have to ride this one out. Joking. Here are a few stages everyone goes through when they get broked up with.

Stage One: Whiny Time

Nobody loves to talk about themselves more than someone with a broken heart. You can barely get a word in and if you do, they ain’t listening. I told one weepy creep that I once had oral sex with a lady who was giving birth, and he didn’t even miss a beat. He just kept on going on and on about how Elaine was going to always going to have a “special place in his heart”, how he thought this was the defining mistake of his life, and how he wishes now that he could marry her and make bonnets for her children, even if they aren’t his. You’ll say things during this phase that you will eventually wish you’d never said. You’ll leave a little snot on anyone who’ll give you a shoulder to leave it on. It’s a bad time for everyone. This is also the time of Drive-Bys, trying to talk it out, and sometimes, getting back together for short spurts, which only prolongs the process.

Note: Don’t listen to Jeffrey Osborne during this period. It can only hurt you. Resist the woo.

Stage Two- Independence Day

This is the time during which you’ll want to really start over. You’ll start telling people that you think you’re leaving soon to head out to a far away place, hoping of course, that they will go back and tell your ex, so that the thought of losing you forever will cause her to run back to your arms. It won’t. You’ll begin going out to the bars a lot, and you’ll sit there and stare into space, hoping someone, anyone will ask you what’s wrong. You’ll end the night trying to get on stage and dedicate songs to your old lover, usually only to get thrown out of the bar by a burly bouncer who tells you to “get it together loser”. You walk home a lot during this phase, faintly hoping your ex will ride by, and see what a mess you’ve become. It isn’t a bad idea really, moving away. That way everyone you know won’t have to watch as you continue to act like a whiny girl.

Stage Three- Doh!

This is the stage where you begin to realize how you’ve been acting. You’ll start to bite your fingernails a lot, during this period, but you’ll begin to get you’re groove back. The first girl you find yourself talking to, unfortunately, will be just out of a relationship as well, and instead of having sex, you’ll sit up and talk all night about your bad experiences. You’ll hug each other in the morning and you’ll have a friend come pick you up. He’ll pretend to understand, then he’ll call and tell all your other friends that you stayed up talking all night with a girl. They’ll make jokes about your penis drawing up into your stomach.

Stage Four- The Final Countdown

You finally find someone to have sex with, you get over it, and after realizing what a bitch you’ve been, you shed one layer of the cocky, self serving, ignorance that probably caused the break-up in the first place. You move on, you find love again, but you never live happily ever after.

FAT GIRL GETS ANGRY AT ME

A fat Girl emailed me after last weeks piece featuring some of my weight loss products for women. Explanation for my Macon readers; in other cities, since they aren’t Macon and I can play on the word Macon for my name, my column is called Ask The Lariat. The Lariat is not only the top of the line Ford Truck and a Lasso, but the nickname of the greatest wrestler of all time. Stan “The Lariat” Hansen.

I picked up the paper for the first time in a while, and won't be picking it up again anytime soon. The 'Ask the Lariat' piece was so utterly offensive to women!!!!!! I know its meant to be funny, but it wasn't..AT ALL. It was way over the top. Now the least you could have done would be to put beside it a piece on men gaining weight also..to even it out.

Listen Fatty,

The day I stop listening to my heart and start listening to fat girls I’ll let you know, but for now, I’m going to stick the age old formula- Fat + Woman = Fat Woman.

Fat+Men= Big Guy, as in “Hey Big Guy!” Look at it this way….I bet you have a great personality! Seriously sugar tits, I realize guys gain weight too, and I have a whole other line of products meant to help out double chin syndrome, FUPA (Fat Upper Penis Area),

and worst of all Knee Fat. But the fact is, guys can pull it off better. Why? Because we built the railroads…that’s why. We rode Dolphins out of Atlantis, and then cut down forests and sometimes we pee off the back porch. We use fallen trees to cross creeks and like Karate even though we think the Japanese suck for attacking us in Vietnam

Dear Mr. Macon Out

My wife will NOT leave me alone. She doesn’t trust me, if I’m not with her, she thinks I’m doing something wrong, and sometimes, she yells at my friends and throws things at them.

I listened to a message from a friend of mine’s live-in Girlfriend this past weekend. Here is how it went.

“Hey you mutha fuxxer. I don’t know what the fuxx you think I think you’re doing, but I know the fuxx it ain’t fuxxing working. I swear to god you are a no good son of a bixxx.

And you know what? How bout I kill your mutha fuxxing axx when you get over here.”

After he let me hear it, he said . “And she’s sitting in my fuxxing house.”

I’m not familiar with a mindset that can tolerate this kind of behavior. Besides the fact that this guy drinks Zima, he’s a tough, rugged dude. Recently another friend of mine girlfriend got up from our dinner table, yelled at another friend of mine and stormed outside and started crying. The friend she yelled at had done absolutely nothing to incite this and to this day, she’s offered up no explanation to him or to any of us. How do you handle it? I’m pretty stumped on it, to be honest with you. I’d say a mixture of sleeping pills and vodka might do it, but it could backfire. Therapy is for pussies so that’s out. You know what, and this is true for almost any relationship situation you find yourself in. If you really want out but can’t bring yourself to do it, then just alienate her until she makes the decision.

Help That Woman of Yours Shed The Pounds

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

My wife has gained weight steadily since we married. Sure, I’ve put on some pounds too but should that really matter? I thought women knew how to take care of themselves. Can you help?

Signed,

Wishin for a brick shithouse

Heh! I know what you mean brother. If I had a nickel for every pound of flesh I’ve tried to yell off a woman I’d be a rich man. And that’s the first step really; make her self conscious about it. When ya’ll are going out to dinner and she’s ready to go say something like “Is that what you’re wearing?” Or if its time for supper make sure and say “Are you really hungry?” Then when she says yes say “Seriously?” Over time, she’ll get the picture, and it will be just in time to take a look at some of my newest dietary products.

1. SpeedySplash Drinking Water- Using the same Hydro-7 purification system as brands like Aquafina, I not only remove most of the toxic elements that some water companies leave in, but I add elements that have never been added to water before, namely Meth. Yep, that’s right; the first bottles of meth infused drinking water are here. We all know how women like to harp on and on about drinking from the sink or the water hose, and we all know that most women get fat over time. I thought, what the hey, let’s put the weight loss drugs in the water! What better weight loss drug than meth? I mean, have you seen those posters? I’ve also filtered the water through plates of solid steel, just because that seems really cool to have steel filtered water.

2. The Ass Scissor- What part of the body does the fat find first? That’s right, the badonkadonk. And while some men like a little back meat in the ass satchel, it could always use a little toning, knowwutimean? There is no better tool for this than the ass scissor. Similar in theory to a stress ball, this tubular contraption is placed between the buttocks, and squeezed tightly until the desired amount of muscle is achieved.

3. Neckfatisserie- The concept of greasy fat pockets that settle around your wife’s gizzard have been contemplated for years. Finally the scientists at my underground lair have found a way to target the special types of fat that congregate near the neck as well as the back of the arms. By spinning, say, a piece of chicken at 40 rpm for less than two minutes over an open flame, you can eliminate the fat on your wife that you hate so much.

There is a lot more where that came from Wishin, but these are three excellent products you can get started with. I tell you what, if you go ahead and order all of this, I’ll throw in the cankle cream free.

Fripples, High Heels, and Ansel Adams

Dear Mr. Macon Out

I’m a fairly successful photographer here in Middle Georgia. I feel like I’m a pretty good catch. Yet, I’m having a hard time finding a girl that I’m compatible with. Someone I can just go crazy on you know? So…Mr. Macon Out, is there a fish in the sea, just for me?
Singed, Takin’ Shots in Macon

Who the fu** are you Cindi Lauper? Nobody is out there “waiting for you” asshole, and there’s no such thing as Unicorns. People always amaze me by the lengths they will go to search for something in their lives. I’ve always said if it doesn’t slap you in your face, or fall in front of your feet, then it sure as hell wasn’t worth fighting for. And don’t let her tell you that’s lazy compadre’, that’s called acting like you’ve got a pair. People like Richard Nelson Bolles, Depak Chopra, and that idiot who wrote the Celestine Prophecy have been making money off “The Search” for years. Take it from me, it goes on forever, and when you finally make it to the end, you find out that the world was seeded by an evil Alien from a planet called Xenu and you can’t do shit about it. You’ll never be able to do anything about it.

Listen if you find yourself alone, and getting older, you just have to consider more options. You take photographs right? So head out to the American Southwest and take some photos of cliffs and shit. Make them all black and white, sell them at craft fairs and hang them at the local Airport. You’ll be rich. Then you’ll have enough women falling at your feet to fill your newly barren soul forever.

Is there a generally accepted system for measuring farts?

Finally, an intelligent question!

While there are groups that have tried without luck to use thermal imaging technology to measure the heat that farts put out, and some scientists have spent part of there awful careers studying the effects cow farts have the environment, I believe the most widely used scale for Fart Measuring would be the “Fripple Scale” so called for Fart Ripples. A man scientist by the name of Maddox came up with the scale that takes several factors like Sphincter Strength, Pressure, Length, and Moisture into account. However, this scale is quite complicated and requires several people to judge the different attributes of the passed wind. I prefer just to use the “Chain Method”. If a fart has a “Chain” hanging from it, then it will linger in a certain space for a long time. A simple way to measure fart density is by timing how long it “sticks” around. Wet ones don’t count.

What do you think of high heels? Is there a certain height they should be? Should women have to wear them at all?

I’ll tell you this. I’ve been stabbed by a high-heel, had them thrown at my head to wake me up, and I once saw a girl in Dublin, Georgia gut and skin an eight point buck with a red Pierre Silber: Super sexy ballet style with 7 1/4 inch stiletto spike heels. (Size 8) . You should have seen the blood. They can open bottles, kick in doors, add a flair of sex appeal to a roundhouse kick, and are great handles if you know what I mean. SO yes, high heels are a necessary part of being a woman, and the higher the better. Sandals are for Floridians, Birkenstocks make me puke, and flats or pumps just sound like a teen mother.

The Perfect Man

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I want to become the Perfect Man. Can you help me?

I get a bunch of things from my fans. I have a mason jar full of grasshopper hearts, and an adrenal gland chewed on by Johnny Depp. I get people’s love letters from all over the country. One guy sent me his entire collection of tissue box covers, which can also be used as helmets for people with really small heads. I also have some really small heads. My furniture is covered in torn wedding gowns, and embroidered by people who just want to be close to me. It’s hard out here for a pimp, or as Gladys Knight would say, it’s hard out here for a Pip. Luckily among my things, I stumbled across a list someone sent me of some things every perfect guy should know. I’ll respond to each one below.

1. Know how to make her smile, even when you’re down?

Look, there is a reason that “Friends” got cancelled, because it was a show about stupid idiots. We don’t live in a romantic comedy. If you’re down, then make her feel like it’s her fault. That will make you feel better, then maybe you can make her smile.

2. Play with her hair.

Does she play with your back hair? I didn’t think so.

3. Offer plenty of massages.

Titty Twisters? Yes. Massages? No.

4. Stick up for her, but respect her independence.

Isn’t it always the double standard with women. They want you to rescue them when they can’t rescue themselves, but they don’t ever want to feel like you have them on a leash. Puppies belong on a leash, hyperactive kids belong on a leash. If they can’t take care of themselves, then they belong on a leash too.

5. Remember the little things.

I recently discovered the Alphabet of Manliness. In it author “Maddox” says this about little things. “When she’s sleeping, steal her small things and break them, because jewelry is for puXXies and Asian ladies.”

6. Give her the remote control, even during the game. Any man who will give up the remote, even when he’s not watching the television, deserves his cock-less existence.

7. Come up behind her a put your arms around her.

Another masterful quote from Maddox “Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a Herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else that symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out “I have Herpes.” The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over” … there is no cure,” cue inspirational music “but treatment is available.” Then it cuts to the girl on a beach and some buy runs up and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you’re dating a skank with herpes.”

See what you’re going to have to live up to? Someone saying that they want to be the Perfect man akin to saying, “I’m a little girl, trapped up in an ugly man’s body.” The sooner women realize that we don’t drink martini’s, we’ll never read Pride and Prejudice, much less watch the movie, don’t own driving gloves, and think whispering is stupid, the better off we’ll all be.

Meth, Love and Pimples

I Love her, but I’m not IN Love with her. Is there really a difference?

Here is a letter from a book I have called “Found”. People from all over the country have sent in letters, pictures, grocery lists, and just about everything else you can think of to this fellow, who puts out a magazine, and once a year or so, a book. The great thing about these letters, is they have no context. You have to sort of make up the back story for them to make any sense. Let’s give it a try. Here is a letter found in Florida.

I can’t see, hear or even touch you. No one has came and visited me or put any money on my books. I’ve been here since last Wednesday that has been eight days I’ve been in jail. Have anybody came and seen you? I hope somebody has. It can be lonely if you have nobody in your corner. Whenever I get out, but I know it will be before you I hope. I will come and get you on the 24^th with a fresh pair of shoes, a high life beer, a fat blunt and a pack of Newports. Being in here has made me want more out of life and in the game. So when I touch down on the streets no more playing with this shit. I’m going for the goal!!!!! Everything you and I want will be reality. Extra hours and overnights will be in affect. You probably would want to leave me but I don’t see it any other way baby! I want more for you and me. I see it in my dreams and feel it in my heart. Class is over I will write you tomorrow. I (heart) you baby with my mind, body and soul. Sweet Dreams and Goodnight. XXXX

You want to know what love is? Get caught with a little bit of Meth in your kids diaper on your way down to Disneyworld. Get you and your wife locked up for a while, and your kid taken down to The Grove, an orphanage where they teach young un’s how to pack fruit and never give them a second chance. Sit in jail and worry about how your wife is doing over at the women’s “correctional facility” after eight days of washing up with her roommate Ellie, who she won’t tell you about because “she doesn’t want to talk about it.” Think about that for a little bit, then tell me if you love her.

The fact is, most of us never really know about love until we’ve been without it for long enough. For many, relationships become “comfort zones for us…. a place where we can get by without demonstrating too much emotion, but still feel catered to enough to not be alone. Usually it ends up a one-sided struggle, often settling down to just plain ole’ indifference. Is there a difference between that and Love? Don’t you hope so? If you’re asking yourself a question like that, then it’s probably time to work on your relationship or move on to another one. Just be careful next time.

This Photo came to me via Chris Horne. It's someone wanting to be the Hot Single in our Next issue. She writes that she loves bats, and wants to domesticate one, she loves plump women who dress up like men, and she loves all men who dress up like women. She also loved Anime, an has been into it for like ten years so don't call her a noob. Any Thoughts? I'm sort of at a loss here.

Yeah, I'm Also Called The Lariat

For Those of you that don't know already, Mr. Macon Out has readers all over the world. It's only in Macon where we can use that stupid pun. In other areas, I"m known as "The Lariat" which is technically a lasso, and that means I can lasso the truth, but it is also the top of the Line Ford my Truck, which fits me well, since I'm a top of the line American. I hope you enjoy my posts, but I could care less if you don't.