Ask The Lariat

PLaying the Field...With Signs

2008-02-23T06:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I just moved back to a town I used to live in a long time ago. I was pretty popular then. Needles to say, things have changed. Now that I’m a little older, I can’t seem to get into the right clubs, I can’t seem to score the right women, and I feel like I’m having a little meltdown. I’ve got my own MySPace page going, and I’ve done a few things on YouTube to let folks know that , you know ,I’m back…but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m in my thirties…is it too late?

Signed,

Dirty Thirty

Dear D.T.

I don’t think there is anything more disturbing to me than a man over thirty who is constantly updating his my-space page. By this point in your life buddy, you should have quenched you’re need for good friends and you should have enough going for you that casual sex is not something you need to solicit online. Either you’re hot or you’re not, and all the MySpace Bling in the world ain’t changing that. I get the feeling you may be in what I call The Twilight of Summers Eve. You’re drifting in a sea of bottled blond, over the hill douche bags that think if they take a smooth chest and a nipple ring, throw in a tribal tattoo, BAM they’ve got the recipe for HOT. I got news for you pal, you don’t. If you’re ugly, you’re going to have to play the aloof guy to get any play. Go to a bar, sit in a corner, and try to look like a deep thinker. Don’t open your cake hole. Just let people wonder about you. Bring a notebook, and write something in it, or draw pictures of male members in it for all I care. Just be alone, and make people wonder why you like to be along. Hopefully they won’t connect the dots and realize its cause you’re ugly.

Dear Mr. Macon out,

I’m freshly divorced and looking to play the field. What I’m looking for are some signs. Something to tell me that the guy is not a freak you know? There are a lot of them out there. Any Tips?

I won’t tell you to see how he treats his mother because my mother was as mean as a wolverine high on bleach and bible quotes. I try to treat her with indifference, but it’s hard cause she hits me all the time. I also won’t tell you to see how he treats animals, because animals were made for one reason, to eat. I will tell you that if he wears glasses, bracelets (even those wide leather ones), or sandals, stay away. He thinks he has fashion sense, and I think we all know what that means by now. If he pretends to like Art, The Producers, or Tori Amos he’s a liar. If he has a good job, he’s obsessed with it, and if he loves the outdoors that means he doesn’t watch romantic comedies, which will lead to you feeling like he doesn’t pay you enough attention. Also on that note, make sure he’s a loner. You don’t want to have to compete with any friends. Other than that, think about one thing before you join yourself at the hip with anyone. Genetics.

Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells

2008-01-25T09:27:00.001-08:00

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I recently started dating a hippie. She’s really into nature and saving trees and all that stuff, and I’m having a hard time adapting. Is it necessary to love what your partner loves?

Signed,
A Tree Away From Bliss

Dear ATAFB,
Let me tell you something about those Greenpeace homos that you may have never heard before. According to Maddox, Whales drink all our water and eat our sailors. They have been for years. They have been in the ocean for millions of years and still haven’t learned to breath underwater. Why should we concern ourselves with saving them? Trees? Are you kidding? Every year hundreds of baby birds are killed by falling out of their nests when trees blow and bend in the wind. If we don’t stand up for the baby birds then who will? How many insects and rodents are killed every year by farm machinery harvesting vegetables for goddamn vegetarians? I’ll tell you whose ruining our planet pal, and his name is Old Macdonald. Farmers everywhere help feed lazy people, and lazy people have time to climb trees and sit up there for months while their parents make their car payments for them. Then they grow a dreadlock and go to art school, and end up designing Volvo commercials and living in the Northeast. If you’re girlfriend was into role-play, death metal, or pyrotechnics, I’d say yes, take up her interests. But save yourself, screw a tree. Who wants to live the rest of their lives with folks named after marsupials?

Dear Mr. Macon Out,
Do you have a way to tell if the person you’re interested in is right for you?
Signed
Meek and In Love

Dear Meekinlove,
I have several filters that I use in choosing friends and lovers. People who wear Crocs could never be either, for example. I look at their jeans first, eyes second, jewelry third, and then I insult them, to see how they take it. If they insult me back, they have a chance. If they look away, I tell them I was kidding, and walk away. If we get past this first level of tests, the conversation will move, naturally, to Books and/or Movies/TV. Anyone who likes Stephen King, Deepak Chopra or those Left Behind books gets disqualified immediately. Anyone who’s ever even seen an episode of Sex in the City is drooling over the new season Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, or runs around quoting Will Ferrell is probably not going to work out. And if someone doesn’t understand the significance of David Hasselhoff, I’d just as soon snort a corn dog as talk to them. Anyone over thirty who still writes in cursive is also disqualified. Does this sound like her? Good Huntin buddy!

Hippies, Whales and Jingle Bells

2008-01-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

Bad Ass Christmas Guide

2007-12-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, one of my greatest friends is the Publisher of this Magazine, Brad Evans. He gave me a shot when I was just a regular ole asshole, getting by on ramen noodles and subpar poontang, and look at me now. I bring him up because the best Christmas gift I’ve ever seen given was to him from his lovely, and mean as a bobcat, wife. She gave him a black leather belt with the words Brad Mutha Fu**a engraved into it. To this day she’s the only woman who I’d consider going to see a Rene Zellweger Movie with. It’s inspired me to come up with a guide to a Bad Ass Christmas every year since.

1. Bad Ass Movie Pack-, I start with Cool As Ice starring, you guessed it, Vanilla Ice. The Tagline reads: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there is only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” Then add Commando, Battlefield Earth (any movie with a breathing apparatus drags me in), Deathwish, Surviving the Game, and Colors and VOILA!….movies to keep your wife in another room for a week.
2. Autographs- Not a lot of people think about these as good gifts, and if you’re talking Oprah Winfrey or Jude Law then you may as well be taking a crap in a Santa’s Bag. I’m talking about the ones nobody thinks about anymore. Art Malik, a great villan Sean Connery’s take on James Bone in The Living Daylights, is only 99 cents, which is cheaper than loveable lesse Anne Heche which goes for $19.99 on ebay (women would buy placenta pudding if Ellen said it tasted good) The whole Leave It To Beaver Cast is only $40 and you can get the whole A-Team for $60, any solid man would love it.
3. For the “Small Ones” –Teddy Bears- All the little ones in my life get one of these for Christmas, I usually go with Toxic Teddies, Bi-Polar Bears, Smackie Bears, and bears dressed up like your favorite action heroes. Can you say Teddy Hellraiser?
4. Lablemakers- Any kind will do. I label even the most obvious things. Cordless Drills are labeled Cordless Drills, The toilet is labeled Bobcat Disposal. They are incredibly fun.
5. For the BFF- I’ve bought them for wedding gifts as well, but sledgehammers make great hoo-ah gifts. Chainsaws if you’ve got the money but anything over a five pound is great.

THE GAY TAPES

2007-11-15T06:20:00.001-08:00

We’ve all done it. Back in the day, there wasn’t better way to steal a girl’s heart than to drop a live recording of Daryll Hall singing Sara Smile (The only Song where that creepy bass player shuts his trap) alongside some 69 Boys (if you know what I mean), Eddie Rabbit (You and I with Crystal Gayle, 1982), and Axl Rose (The B Side from Use Your Illusion 1, what can I say I got lazy), title it From Me 2 U and stick it in her locker. Are things not going well, A good compilation of Air Supply is like the King James Version of Mix Tapes. Want something to go along with your hot oil massage session? C + C Music Factory will never let you down, especially combined with a little Warrant and a little known Version of Bret “the Hitman” Hart’s version of Never Been a Right Time To Say Goodbye.
I’ve even played jokes on my guy friends by making what I’ve dubbed “Gay Tapes”, and placing them in their cars, cd cases or, in today’s world, their MP3 players. I’ve done it a hundred times. A friend finds a CD in on his seat titled “I-C-U” . His first reaction is always one of flattery. “Wow” he thinks, “I wonder who did this?” He Pops it in the player, and is on his way.
1. Tainted Love-Soft Cell ( he doesn’t know what to think, but he likes it)
2. Relax –Frankie Goes to Hollywood ( He smiles, she could be Randy)
3. Word Up-Cameo ( I know, we all like this song…this one is about confusion. The dude wore a Codpiece, trust me, it’s gay)
4. West End Girls-Pet Shop Boys (He’s going to be singing along to this one. Imagine him riding in his car using a fake British Accent; Sometimes….. you betta off dead, there’s a gun in your hand and its pointed at your head, you think your mad, but your really unstable, your kicking down chairs and you’re knocking down tables….In a restaurant…..in a western town.)
5. Believe –Cher (He’s so into it by this point he shrugs and just goes with it. This is when the Dash Cam you’ve installed really gets funny)
6. What A Man-Salt and Peppa (Now we’ve got hard evidence and still This song could be from her to him right?)
7. Conga-Gloria Estefan (Everybody…..Gather Round Now…We’re about to bitch out our friend!)
8. I’m Comin Out-Diana Ross (It flashes before his eyes, he hits skip fast, only to find)
9. Shake Your Bon Bon-Ricky Martin (Oh Shit he thinks, it’s too late)
10. Its raining Men –Weather Girls (You Tube, Here we come)

THE WINGMAN

2007-10-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr Macon Out

I have trouble going up and talking to women. It just makes me incredibly nervous. Any pointers?

Signed
Nerve Racked in Newnan

Dear Nerve Racked,

It’s easy. Find a wingman. Now a wingman is usually used to occupy the least attractive girl in a group of girls so that you can upgrade, but it’s totally acceptable to use them to get over your nervousness. The thing is, you have to have the right wingman. Here are some traits to look for.

He needs to be your equal. This means he doesn’t need to have a really cool job, make more money than you, or a lot better looking. It’s acceptable for him to have more skills with the lady folk, because if he’s a good wingman, he’ll understand his mission and be able to use those skills to make you look better.

2. He keeps you Tight- A little boogie? He’s got it. Traces of BBQ sauce on your shirt? He’s carrying club soda. He’s basically your personal assistant for the evening making sure that everything you do is done in the proper manner.

3. He knows you well. You don’t have to talk to let him know what to do. He can tell when you’re fumbling the ball, and he’s there for the lateral. He knows when to jump in; he knows when to back off.

4. He prevents interference- This is one of the most important traits of a good wingman, in my opinion. This means he engages, at close range, anyone who gets in the way of your target. It means picking fights with jocks, dancing with the cock-blocking fat chicks, and striking up conversation with any available female in the pack who might entice your girl to go on with it.

5. He can go Kamikaze on that ass. A good wingman has no fear. He’ll crash right into a table full of hot chicks, with no fear of being shot down. If he lands safely, he’ll call you right over into the herd. Let the games begin.

6. He’s good at recon- He finds out all the info on the girl you’re after. He goes into deep cover mode to find it out, talking with co-workers, friends, and most importantly, her ex-lovers.

7. He keeps you Going- He’s your Erk Russell. Your Vice Dooley. He Keeps You motivated giving you pep talks when you’re down and grabbing you by the facemask when you’re flubbing up. While you focus on your job, he surveys the entire game and looks tells you how to navigate. He’ll give you a post game analysis, whether you win or lose, and over time, make you a better player.

My Vegas Inspired Column

2007-09-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry I can't talk about Vegas.

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I’m getting married in a few months, and I’ve had this bug that makes me want to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. I’ve begun to wonder if it just a phase I’m going through due to my impending marriage, or if I’ve really begun to find my groove. By the way, I’m 35 years of age.
Signed,
Young and in the way
Dear YAITW
If you’re thirty-five, your groove took a train to Desperateville a long time ago, bud. I hate to tell you. Sure, no matter how old you are, it’s normal to want to “drop it like it’s hot” one last time before you lock your penis up for good. But there really is no such thing as “getting it out of your system”. If something feels good, it’s the nature of man to want more of it. The only one’s who will say different are those who have been married long enough to give up, or those who’ve dedicated themselves to a God too uptight for my doggystyle. How can you tell if this marriage is going to work? Man, if there is any doubt anywhere in that little head of yours, move on brother. No matter what Richard Gere says, this is your only shot, so get it right.
Dear Mr Macon Out,

I just spent a weekend in Vegas, drank God knows how much, and rarely even stopped to eat. By the time I got home, I’d lost 5 pounds, and felt great. Should I just try and live on beer alone?
Signed,
Bleeding from my face
Dear Bleeding,
There have been many a great man that have lived off of beer, whiskey cigarettes, and the occasional slab of red meat. John Wayne is rumored to have never eaten more than a hand size piece of elk flesh at one sitting. Want to know why Charles Bronson doesn’t even think Chuck Norris is a man? Try putting gunpowder in your peppermill. Though still a great man, Redd Foxx lived off champipple and crackers. It can be done, and what better place to find that out than Las Vegas, that great flashing dohickee in the desert. The only time I went to Vegas, I ended up turning into a lizard, scurrying up about 300 strippers legs at the Spearmint Rhino, and falling in love with a black-jack dealer named Rob, who verbally abused me without pause, but hey we all experiment, right? So see where this goes, and let me know when you get there. Hopefully it won’t be in a ditch next to Christian Slater.
Dear Mr Macon Out,
Why can’t my wife be more like my close male friends?
Signed, Gutter Trash
A better question might for you might be: Why can’t I marry my close male friends? Fag.
Women don’t have to be like our close male friends. They have vaginas. But let’s consider what being a close friend really means. In order to be a real close buddy with someone I’d say three basic things have to happen.
#1. You’ve got to go through some bad shit together. This could include fights, drugs, money laundering, or about 100 good old-fashioned drunks.
#2. You have to go to bat for each other. This could include being a top-notch wingman on a date, taking up for one another when some cock-a-doodle douche is talking crapola about your buddy even when they aren’t around. It lets you know how much you love your buddy.
# 3. Never leave a man behind—Hoo-Ah! This has to be proven several times. You have to sacrifice what you want in order that your buddy, no matter how lame, doesn’t suffer so that you can have fun. It’s the law… I’m sorry.
These are all things that women just don’t do. This is why we have to compensate for our marriages by loving games that we will never again play (college football) and killing animals that we’ll never eat. The long lost happy place of male companionship will live forever in empty space. I think Gary Busey said that.

Friday I leave For Las Vegas

2007-09-13T04:55:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow, I head out to a town that made Christmas lights famous, and made me puke once when I almost had to go see Celine Dion, Las Vegas. I'm going with several dudes from Macon and we're celebrating a friend's upcoming marriage. Part of me wants to just sit in the desert and eat Peyote, but we've got a Cabana at Pure so what can a man do? I'll let you know how it goes..

MR Macon Out On TV

2007-09-12T12:45:00.001-07:00

Check Out The TV Version of MR. Macon Out.

Just Something To Think About

2007-09-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

The Stages of A Breakup For Dudes

2007-08-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

I just broke up with my girlfriend, we’ve been back and forth for months now, but this time, I think it’s for real. How do I get over this feeling in my stomach? Signed, A dude with a heart that breaks.

Dear, DWAHTB.

The first time you have sex, you’ll forget about it. If it comes back later, just have more sex. The more you have, the less she’ll mean. If you’re ugly, just stay away from the adult contemporary stations for a while. You’re just going to have to ride this one out. Joking. Here are a few stages everyone goes through when they get broked up with.

Stage One: Whiny Time

Nobody loves to talk about themselves more than someone with a broken heart. You can barely get a word in and if you do, they ain’t listening. I told one weepy creep that I once had oral sex with a lady who was giving birth, and he didn’t even miss a beat. He just kept on going on and on about how Elaine was going to always going to have a “special place in his heart”, how he thought this was the defining mistake of his life, and how he wishes now that he could marry her and make bonnets for her children, even if they aren’t his. You’ll say things during this phase that you will eventually wish you’d never said. You’ll leave a little snot on anyone who’ll give you a shoulder to leave it on. It’s a bad time for everyone. This is also the time of Drive-Bys, trying to talk it out, and sometimes, getting back together for short spurts, which only prolongs the process.

Note: Don’t listen to Jeffrey Osborne during this period. It can only hurt you. Resist the woo.

Stage Two- Independence Day

This is the time during which you’ll want to really start over. You’ll start telling people that you think you’re leaving soon to head out to a far away place, hoping of course, that they will go back and tell your ex, so that the thought of losing you forever will cause her to run back to your arms. It won’t. You’ll begin going out to the bars a lot, and you’ll sit there and stare into space, hoping someone, anyone will ask you what’s wrong. You’ll end the night trying to get on stage and dedicate songs to your old lover, usually only to get thrown out of the bar by a burly bouncer who tells you to “get it together loser”. You walk home a lot during this phase, faintly hoping your ex will ride by, and see what a mess you’ve become. It isn’t a bad idea really, moving away. That way everyone you know won’t have to watch as you continue to act like a whiny girl.

Stage Three- Doh!

This is the stage where you begin to realize how you’ve been acting. You’ll start to bite your fingernails a lot, during this period, but you’ll begin to get you’re groove back. The first girl you find yourself talking to, unfortunately, will be just out of a relationship as well, and instead of having sex, you’ll sit up and talk all night about your bad experiences. You’ll hug each other in the morning and you’ll have a friend come pick you up. He’ll pretend to understand, then he’ll call and tell all your other friends that you stayed up talking all night with a girl. They’ll make jokes about your penis drawing up into your stomach.

Stage Four- The Final Countdown

You finally find someone to have sex with, you get over it, and after realizing what a bitch you’ve been, you shed one layer of the cocky, self serving, ignorance that probably caused the break-up in the first place. You move on, you find love again, but you never live happily ever after.

FAT GIRL GETS ANGRY AT ME

2007-08-24T07:55:00.002-07:00

A fat Girl emailed me after last weeks piece featuring some of my weight loss products for women. Explanation for my Macon readers; in other cities, since they aren’t Macon and I can play on the word Macon for my name, my column is called Ask The Lariat. The Lariat is not only the top of the line Ford Truck and a Lasso, but the nickname of the greatest wrestler of all time. Stan “The Lariat” Hansen.

I picked up the paper for the first time in a while, and won't be picking it up again anytime soon. The 'Ask the Lariat' piece was so utterly offensive to women!!!!!! I know its meant to be funny, but it wasn't..AT ALL. It was way over the top. Now the least you could have done would be to put beside it a piece on men gaining weight also..to even it out.

Listen Fatty,

The day I stop listening to my heart and start listening to fat girls I’ll let you know, but for now, I’m going to stick the age old formula- Fat + Woman = Fat Woman.

Fat+Men= Big Guy, as in “Hey Big Guy!” Look at it this way….I bet you have a great personality! Seriously sugar tits, I realize guys gain weight too, and I have a whole other line of products meant to help out double chin syndrome, FUPA (Fat Upper Penis Area),

and worst of all Knee Fat. But the fact is, guys can pull it off better. Why? Because we built the railroads…that’s why. We rode Dolphins out of Atlantis, and then cut down forests and sometimes we pee off the back porch. We use fallen trees to cross creeks and like Karate even though we think the Japanese suck for attacking us in Vietnam

Dear Mr. Macon Out

My wife will NOT leave me alone. She doesn’t trust me, if I’m not with her, she thinks I’m doing something wrong, and sometimes, she yells at my friends and throws things at them.

I listened to a message from a friend of mine’s live-in Girlfriend this past weekend. Here is how it went.

“Hey you mutha fuxxer. I don’t know what the fuxx you think I think you’re doing, but I know the fuxx it ain’t fuxxing working. I swear to god you are a no good son of a bixxx.

And you know what? How bout I kill your mutha fuxxing axx when you get over here.”

After he let me hear it, he said . “And she’s sitting in my fuxxing house.”

I’m not familiar with a mindset that can tolerate this kind of behavior. Besides the fact that this guy drinks Zima, he’s a tough, rugged dude. Recently another friend of mine girlfriend got up from our dinner table, yelled at another friend of mine and stormed outside and started crying. The friend she yelled at had done absolutely nothing to incite this and to this day, she’s offered up no explanation to him or to any of us. How do you handle it? I’m pretty stumped on it, to be honest with you. I’d say a mixture of sleeping pills and vodka might do it, but it could backfire. Therapy is for pussies so that’s out. You know what, and this is true for almost any relationship situation you find yourself in. If you really want out but can’t bring yourself to do it, then just alienate her until she makes the decision.

Help That Woman of Yours Shed The Pounds

2007-08-24T07:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

My wife has gained weight steadily since we married. Sure, I’ve put on some pounds too but should that really matter? I thought women knew how to take care of themselves. Can you help?

Signed,

Wishin for a brick shithouse

Heh! I know what you mean brother. If I had a nickel for every pound of flesh I’ve tried to yell off a woman I’d be a rich man. And that’s the first step really; make her self conscious about it. When ya’ll are going out to dinner and she’s ready to go say something like “Is that what you’re wearing?” Or if its time for supper make sure and say “Are you really hungry?” Then when she says yes say “Seriously?” Over time, she’ll get the picture, and it will be just in time to take a look at some of my newest dietary products.

1. SpeedySplash Drinking Water- Using the same Hydro-7 purification system as brands like Aquafina, I not only remove most of the toxic elements that some water companies leave in, but I add elements that have never been added to water before, namely Meth. Yep, that’s right; the first bottles of meth infused drinking water are here. We all know how women like to harp on and on about drinking from the sink or the water hose, and we all know that most women get fat over time. I thought, what the hey, let’s put the weight loss drugs in the water! What better weight loss drug than meth? I mean, have you seen those posters? I’ve also filtered the water through plates of solid steel, just because that seems really cool to have steel filtered water.

2. The Ass Scissor- What part of the body does the fat find first? That’s right, the badonkadonk. And while some men like a little back meat in the ass satchel, it could always use a little toning, knowwutimean? There is no better tool for this than the ass scissor. Similar in theory to a stress ball, this tubular contraption is placed between the buttocks, and squeezed tightly until the desired amount of muscle is achieved.

Neckfatisserie- The concept of greasy fat pockets that settle around your wife’s gizzard have been contemplated for years. Finally the scientists at my underground lair have found a way to target the special types of fat that congregate near the neck as well as the back of the arms. By spinning, say, a piece of chicken at 40 rpm for less than two minutes over an open flame, you can eliminate the fat on your wife that you hate so much.

There is a lot more where that came from Wishin, but these are three excellent products you can get started with. I tell you what, if you go ahead and order all of this, I’ll throw in the cankle cream free.

Fripples, High Heels, and Ansel Adams

2007-08-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Macon Out

I’m a fairly successful photographer here in Middle Georgia. I feel like I’m a pretty good catch. Yet, I’m having a hard time finding a girl that I’m compatible with. Someone I can just go crazy on you know? So…Mr. Macon Out, is there a fish in the sea, just for me?
Singed, Takin’ Shots in Macon

Who the fu** are you Cindi Lauper? Nobody is out there “waiting for you” asshole, and there’s no such thing as Unicorns. People always amaze me by the lengths they will go to search for something in their lives. I’ve always said if it doesn’t slap you in your face, or fall in front of your feet, then it sure as hell wasn’t worth fighting for. And don’t let her tell you that’s lazy compadre’, that’s called acting like you’ve got a pair. People like Richard Nelson Bolles, Depak Chopra, and that idiot who wrote the Celestine Prophecy have been making money off “The Search” for years. Take it from me, it goes on forever, and when you finally make it to the end, you find out that the world was seeded by an evil Alien from a planet called Xenu and you can’t do shit about it. You’ll never be able to do anything about it.

Listen if you find yourself alone, and getting older, you just have to consider more options. You take photographs right? So head out to the American Southwest and take some photos of cliffs and shit. Make them all black and white, sell them at craft fairs and hang them at the local Airport. You’ll be rich. Then you’ll have enough women falling at your feet to fill your newly barren soul forever.

Is there a generally accepted system for measuring farts?

Finally, an intelligent question!

While there are groups that have tried without luck to use thermal imaging technology to measure the heat that farts put out, and some scientists have spent part of there awful careers studying the effects cow farts have the environment, I believe the most widely used scale for Fart Measuring would be the “Fripple Scale” so called for Fart Ripples. A man scientist by the name of Maddox came up with the scale that takes several factors like Sphincter Strength, Pressure, Length, and Moisture into account. However, this scale is quite complicated and requires several people to judge the different attributes of the passed wind. I prefer just to use the “Chain Method”. If a fart has a “Chain” hanging from it, then it will linger in a certain space for a long time. A simple way to measure fart density is by timing how long it “sticks” around. Wet ones don’t count.

What do you think of high heels? Is there a certain height they should be? Should women have to wear them at all?

I’ll tell you this. I’ve been stabbed by a high-heel, had them thrown at my head to wake me up, and I once saw a girl in Dublin, Georgia gut and skin an eight point buck with a red Pierre Silber: Super sexy ballet style with 7 1/4 inch stiletto spike heels. (Size 8) . You should have seen the blood. They can open bottles, kick in doors, add a flair of sex appeal to a roundhouse kick, and are great handles if you know what I mean. SO yes, high heels are a necessary part of being a woman, and the higher the better. Sandals are for Floridians, Birkenstocks make me puke, and flats or pumps just sound like a teen mother.

The Perfect Man

2007-08-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Macon Out,

I want to become the Perfect Man. Can you help me?

I get a bunch of things from my fans. I have a mason jar full of grasshopper hearts, and an adrenal gland chewed on by Johnny Depp. I get people’s love letters from all over the country. One guy sent me his entire collection of tissue box covers, which can also be used as helmets for people with really small heads. I also have some really small heads. My furniture is covered in torn wedding gowns, and embroidered by people who just want to be close to me. It’s hard out here for a pimp, or as Gladys Knight would say, it’s hard out here for a Pip. Luckily among my things, I stumbled across a list someone sent me of some things every perfect guy should know. I’ll respond to each one below.

Know how to make her smile, even when you’re down?

Look, there is a reason that “Friends” got cancelled, because it was a show about stupid idiots. We don’t live in a romantic comedy. If you’re down, then make her feel like it’s her fault. That will make you feel better, then maybe you can make her smile.

Play with her hair.

Does she play with your back hair? I didn’t think so.

Offer plenty of massages.

Titty Twisters? Yes. Massages? No.

Stick up for her, but respect her independence.

Isn’t it always the double standard with women. They want you to rescue them when they can’t rescue themselves, but they don’t ever want to feel like you have them on a leash. Puppies belong on a leash, hyperactive kids belong on a leash. If they can’t take care of themselves, then they belong on a leash too.

Remember the little things.

I recently discovered the Alphabet of Manliness. In it author “Maddox” says this about little things. “When she’s sleeping, steal her small things and break them, because jewelry is for puXXies and Asian ladies.”

Give her the remote control, even during the game. Any man who will give up the remote, even when he’s not watching the television, deserves his cock-less existence.

Come up behind her a put your arms around her.

Another masterful quote from Maddox “Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a Herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else that symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out “I have Herpes.” The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over” … there is no cure,” cue inspirational music “but treatment is available.” Then it cuts to the girl on a beach and some buy runs up and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you’re dating a skank with herpes.”

See what you’re going to have to live up to? Someone saying that they want to be the Perfect man akin to saying, “I’m a little girl, trapped up in an ugly man’s body.” The sooner women realize that we don’t drink martini’s, we’ll never read Pride and Prejudice, much less watch the movie, don’t own driving gloves, and think whispering is stupid, the better off we’ll all be.

Meth, Love and Pimples

2007-08-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

I Love her, but I’m not IN Love with her. Is there really a difference?

Here is a letter from a book I have called “Found”. People from all over the country have sent in letters, pictures, grocery lists, and just about everything else you can think of to this fellow, who puts out a magazine, and once a year or so, a book. The great thing about these letters, is they have no context. You have to sort of make up the back story for them to make any sense. Let’s give it a try. Here is a letter found in Florida.

I can’t see, hear or even touch you. No one has came and visited me or put any money on my books. I’ve been here since last Wednesday that has been eight days I’ve been in jail. Have anybody came and seen you? I hope somebody has. It can be lonely if you have nobody in your corner. Whenever I get out, but I know it will be before you I hope. I will come and get you on the 24^th with a fresh pair of shoes, a high life beer, a fat blunt and a pack of Newports. Being in here has made me want more out of life and in the game. So when I touch down on the streets no more playing with this shit. I’m going for the goal!!!!! Everything you and I want will be reality. Extra hours and overnights will be in affect. You probably would want to leave me but I don’t see it any other way baby! I want more for you and me. I see it in my dreams and feel it in my heart. Class is over I will write you tomorrow. I (heart) you baby with my mind, body and soul. Sweet Dreams and Goodnight. XXXX

You want to know what love is? Get caught with a little bit of Meth in your kids diaper on your way down to Disneyworld. Get you and your wife locked up for a while, and your kid taken down to The Grove, an orphanage where they teach young un’s how to pack fruit and never give them a second chance. Sit in jail and worry about how your wife is doing over at the women’s “correctional facility” after eight days of washing up with her roommate Ellie, who she won’t tell you about because “she doesn’t want to talk about it.” Think about that for a little bit, then tell me if you love her.

The fact is, most of us never really know about love until we’ve been without it for long enough. For many, relationships become “comfort zones for us…. a place where we can get by without demonstrating too much emotion, but still feel catered to enough to not be alone. Usually it ends up a one-sided struggle, often settling down to just plain ole’ indifference. Is there a difference between that and Love? Don’t you hope so? If you’re asking yourself a question like that, then it’s probably time to work on your relationship or move on to another one. Just be careful next time.

2007-08-22T11:17:00.001-07:00

This Photo came to me via Chris Horne. It's someone wanting to be the Hot Single in our Next issue. She writes that she loves bats, and wants to domesticate one, she loves plump women who dress up like men, and she loves all men who dress up like women. She also loved Anime, an has been into it for like ten years so don't call her a noob. Any Thoughts? I'm sort of at a loss here.

Yeah, I'm Also Called The Lariat

2007-08-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

For Those of you that don't know already, Mr. Macon Out has readers all over the world. It's only in Macon where we can use that stupid pun. In other areas, I"m known as "The Lariat" which is technically a lasso, and that means I can lasso the truth, but it is also the top of the Line Ford my Truck, which fits me well, since I'm a top of the line American. I hope you enjoy my posts, but I could care less if you don't.